DEAR MAN (ask effectively)

DEAR MAN is your go-to skill for asking for something you need or saying no to a request. It's the objectives effectiveness skill — helping you get your actual goal met.

The DEAR MAN Skill

• D — Describe — Describe the situation factually. Stick to what a camera would see. No judgments.
• E — Express — Express how you feel about it. Use "I" statements. Be brief.
• A — Assert — Ask clearly for what you want (or say no clearly). Don't hint or assume they'll figure it out.
• R — Reinforce — Explain the positive consequences of them meeting your request (or the negative ones if they don't).
• M — Mindful — Stay focused on your goal. Don't get sidetracked by other topics or deflections.
• A — Appear Confident — Use a confident tone, make eye contact, stand/sit up straight — even if you don't feel it.
• N — Negotiate — Be willing to give to get. Offer alternatives. Ask what would work for them.

Real-Life Examples

Scenario: Your roommate keeps leaving dirty dishes in the sink for days and it's driving you crazy. You've been passive-aggressively cleaning them yourself while seething. Skill in action: You use DEAR MAN: "Hey, I've noticed dishes have been sitting in the sink for a few days at a time" (Describe). "I feel stressed coming home to a messy kitchen — it makes it hard to relax" (Express). "Could we agree to wash our dishes within 24 hours?" (Assert). "That way we'll both feel good about the shared space" (Reinforce). You keep your tone steady and don't bring up past grievances (Mindful), maintain eye contact (Appear confident), and add: "Or if that doesn't work, what would?" (Negotiate).

Scenario: You want to ask your manager for a raise. You've been putting it off for months because you're afraid they'll say no or think you're greedy. Skill in action: You script your DEAR MAN: "I've been in this role for two years and have taken on three additional responsibilities" (Describe). "I'm proud of my contributions and I want my compensation to reflect them" (Express). "I'd like to discuss a 10% raise" (Assert). "Retaining me saves you the cost of hiring and training someone new" (Reinforce). In the meeting, you stay on topic when they try to change the subject (Mindful), sit upright with calm energy (Appear confident), and offer: "If 10% isn't possible now, what timeline could we work toward?" (Negotiate).

Scenario: A friend keeps making plans and canceling last minute. You like them but it's becoming disrespectful of your time. Skill in action: You use DEAR MAN: "The last three times we've made plans, they've been canceled day-of" (Describe). "I feel unimportant when that happens, even though I know that's probably not your intention" (Express). "Going forward, can you let me know at least a day ahead if you need to cancel?" (Assert). "I really value our friendship and want us to actually see each other" (Reinforce). You don't get derailed when they say "I'm just sooo busy" (Mindful), you stay warm but direct (Appear confident), and you add: "Would shorter hangouts work better for your schedule?" (Negotiate).